They Say I Have Potential

I believe I have potential too will i ever achieve it ? I'm not sure really I won't regret it though because i know what will happen to me I will either achieve and surpass my potential or i will die. I honestly don't see any other way i'm to extreme to live in the middle I want it all or nothing. I'm not scared of death I never wanted to live past thirty anyways because a boring old man is what scares me the most. I am so afraid to grow old I've had this fear since about 14 or 15 every time I think about being old. I feel sick to my stomach for real this ain't a joke. I mean I think all people know I love being young , growing old scares me so much I love the movie revolutionary road because it's the SCARIEST MOVIE I HAVE EVER SEEN! It made me think a lot about my life and I seen this movie when it came out i believe a year in a half ago or something who knows , but I think about it a lot because I could never be boring , mundane or whatever. I would kill myself , suicide is something that stays on my brain only reason I haven't is well it's fucking hard to work up the nerve and second i wouldn't want to put my mom through that. Only two people really know how much i hate growing old and the fear of growing old because it literally is on my mind all the time but Ariel and Kurt I mean others know about it maybe a little but not like them. I've talked to ariel for hours and hours and hours and many many many hours about it , partly because she listened to me and understood what I was going through and that is why Ariel will always be a girl i love forever, and Kurt well he listened to me a lot even told me he would help me.

I look up to kurt because well he is an adult he's everything I'll never be part of me wishes I could be like him but that isn't what I do. I'm not religious (well maybe i am but in my own way) i don't want to work a desk job or any bullshit like that for a living , i can do it now because all first jobs suck. I want to direct films , write stories , design clothes , do drugs , make music and just fucking live life. I am in no way ever going to be like kurt it isn't in my blood a lot me also resents him because he makes me think of the consequences in life , i feel like he's holding me down because I just want to "completely not give a fuck" I just want to find the exit door in this life honestly. I can't compare to a person like kurt i mean he's my homie and all but i can't fucking do what he does and he can't do what I do. Death don't scare me , a lot of shit doesn't scare me actually but growing old is scary and I am always reminded of it when I walk down the street and see old people or whatever whatever I see them and cringe. Now don't get me wrong I believe a lot of them are happy being old which is fine if you want to grow old then do it I'm happy for you , but that isn't me. That's why I never want to get married or have kids because I don't want to have responsibility like that.


Fuck Growing Old.

Live Fast , Die Young.

i miss her. fuck australia.